Power’s off? Kitchen’s open.
Come in, love, sit down, mind the chair, that leg’s been wobbly since 2009. Tea? Course you do. It comes with everything.
Right. People come in here and they say, “Gary, what’s the special?” and I say, “Whatever tins are left, mate.” And they laugh, but I’m being serious. Beans, luncheon meat, a couple of eggs, bread to mop it up. That’s a meal. That’s always been a meal. Nobody’s ever left my cafe hungry, and nobody’s ever left without a bit of sauce on their shirt.
Everyone’s on about power cuts now, all worried about how they’ll cook. I’ve been cooking on gas since before half of them were born. Camping stove, one frying pan, one fish slice. That’s your kitchen. You don’t need an air fryer, you need a tin opener that isn’t electric. Write that down. Actually, here’s a biro.
And presentation matters. I don’t care if the whole street’s in the dark. Everything goes on one plate, nice and together, and I pop a little flower in the vase and light a tea light. It’s romantic, isn’t it? My wife says it’s a fire hazard next to the ketchup. She’s not wrong, so I keep it on the saucer now.
Pot Noodle? Ooh, somebody’s pushing the boat out. That’s fine dining, that is. Kettle on the gas ring, four minutes, fork in. I’d charge a fiver if I could get away with it.
The Crocs are fine. They’re comfortable. Nobody’s mentioned them.
Greasy Gary
Head Chef, Washer-Upper and Tea Urn Operator, UK Prepper Hub
Reviews I’ve Submitted
FireShield Home Fire Safety Pack Review — Read the full review →
Thirty-odd years on a griddle, love, and I’ve had two pans go up. Both times: heat off, blanket over, leave it be, kettle on. The blanket’s the bit of this pack I’d fight you for. Hang it on the wall by the kitchen door, not over the cooker, and definitely not in a drawer behind the Tupperware. The extinguisher’s for other jobs. Fat fires get the blanket, every time. Power’s off? Kitchen’s open. Kitchen’s on fire? Kitchen’s closed. Five eggs. 🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳
Ration-X Self Heating Meals Review — Read the full review →
Self heating food packs? No pan, no gas, no washing up. I didn’t know whether to be impressed or offended, love. Add the water, fold it over, stand it up, keep your face away from the steam, and leave it to do its thing. It’s not my full English, but stuck in the car in a snowdrift, I’d have one. I’d still tip it on a plate. Four eggs. 🍳🍳🍳🍳
Portable Gas Stove Review: Hot Food and a Brew When the Power Goes — Read the full review →
Every cafe I’ve ever worked in started with a gas ring, and this is just a little one. An emergency gas stove is a proper kitchen in a box, mate. Indoor use is fine as long as you crack a window, keep it on a flat worktop away from the tea towels, and have a CO alarm in the room. Never in a tent, a car or a shut-up room. Spare cartridges in a cool cupboard, not by the cooker. Power’s off? Kitchen’s open. Five eggs. 🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳