Meet the team. They’re fictional. Any resemblance to real people is, of course, “purely coincidental.” If you recognise someone you know in any of these characters, that says more about your social circle than it does about us. We have no further comment.
Keith The Prepper
The Misguided Prepper
Keith is a man who has spent £6,000 preparing for the end of civilisation and cannot locate his car keys. He has seventeen head torches — none of them charged — a tactical vest with too many pockets (contents unknown, possibly to Keith too), and a rubber duck clipped to it that nobody has ever questioned and nobody ever will. He drives a 4×4 to Tesco while his wife’s perfectly sensible Fiesta sits on the drive, quietly judging everything.
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Black Panther
The Tactical Fantasist
Black Panther has committed fully to the tactical lifestyle — full black gear, Union Jack patch, 47kg go-bag, and a callsign that nobody uses. His closest contact with the SAS was Cub Scouts in 1987, but he hints otherwise constantly and with impressive vagueness. He cannot walk to the end of his road without losing his breath, which he calls “tactical pacing.” His nan knitted the balaclava. It is striped.
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Camping Clown
The Gear Obsessive
Camping Clown owns £4,000 of camping gear, a titanium spork that saves 12 grams, and cannot boil water without three YouTube videos and a laminated protocol document. He has seven of everything. Six are still in packaging. He is dressed as a circus clown. Nobody has ever asked why. He doesn’t seem to notice.
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Weekend Warrior
The Aesthetic Prepper
Weekend Warrior has applied American prepper tactics directly to suburban Wolverhampton without any modification whatsoever. He wears full camo face paint everywhere — including the school run — his bug-out location is “Alpha Rally Point” (Wolverhampton city centre), and he has a YouTube channel with fourteen subscribers, mostly family. The flat earth stuff does make you think though. He says this every time. He has a 2kg Pomeranian called Pickle who believes she is a military working dog. Pickle agrees with him on the flat earth stuff.
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Pickle
Weekend Warrior’s Dog
Pickle is a 2kg Pomeranian who reviews survival equipment. She takes her role extremely seriously. Her methodology is “Snorgle.”
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Chicken Licken
The Conspiracy Theorist
Chicken Licken is a conspiracy theorist in a full yellow chicken costume and a tin foil hat he designed himself. He is actually right about quite a lot — genuine preparedness facts, confirmed risks, things people should know — but he delivers them buried underneath the aliens, the government watch list, and the zombie apocalypse timeline, so nobody has noticed yet. Every product he reviews gets tested for hidden tracking devices first. This takes three days. He has a protocol. He is, he is fairly certain, being watched.
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Calm Clarissa
The Clipboard Administrator
Calm Clarissa has been the community emergency coordinator since 1987. There is a plan. There is a subcommittee for the plan. There are minutes. Janet is responsible for items three through seven — Janet knows this because Clarissa emailed her, texted her, and put a laminated copy through her door. Clarissa is the most practically useful person in any emergency within a ten-mile radius and the most exhausting person in any room. These are the same quality, expressed differently.
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Surviv’l Gurl
The Instagram Prepper
Surviv’l Gurl is a preparedness influencer with 47,000 followers, colour-coordinated packing cubes, and emergency rations arranged by colour in glass jars she designed in Canva. Her “power cut preparation” video got 12,000 likes. Her ring light was running off a generator the entire time. None of her 47,000 followers own a charged torch, but they have all saved her mason jar flat lay.
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Aroura
The Crystal Prepper
Aroura has prepared for emergencies entirely through vibrational energy, crystal grids, and the correct intention. She has never bought a torch because she doesn’t believe in artificial light after sunset. Her bug-out bag contains sage, a laminated affirmation, and approximately one cereal bar. The universe will provide. It hasn’t yet. She remains positive.
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