Yeah but have you seen my kit though?
Right okay so where do I even start. I’ve got the Nemo Tensor Alpine sleeping mat — the regular width, not the wide, because the wide is 510g and the regular is 435g and over a three day trip that’s basically nothing but it’s the principle — and I’ve got the Zpacks Arc Blast which I’ve had re-sewn by a guy in Shropshire because the original stitching was adding unnecessary weight, and I’ve got a titanium spork which saves 12 grams over a standard spork and I know that sounds like nothing but every gram counts when you’re — yeah but have you seen the new Nitecore headtorch? The NU35. 460 lumens. I’ve got three.
My system is almost complete. There are a few items outstanding. There are always a few items outstanding. That’s just the nature of building a genuinely optimised kit — you can’t rush it. I’ve been building it for nine years. I’d say I’m about 70% there. Maybe 65%.
I have never been camping. That’s not the point. The point is that when I do go, I will be ready. More than ready. I’ll be optimised.
I review all gear thoroughly before it goes into the system. Thoroughly meaning I open the packaging, assess it visually, cross-reference the spec sheet against three competing products, and place it on the designated gear shelf. Six of my seven head torches have never been switched on. That’s not a problem. That’s quality control.
The face paint is fine. It’s just a look. Nobody’s mentioned it.
I’ve got the t-shirt too. Not sure why, if I’m honest. Get yours in the merch store.
Camping Clown
Gear Acquisition Specialist, UK Prepper Hub
Reviews I’ve Submitted
Each of the following products has been assessed, cross-referenced, and added to the system. Some have been used.
Energizer Vision HD+ Head Torch — Read the full review →
Not even a comparison to my 1 billion candle power one, but works well enough for everyday needs. Found it rubs off my white face paint. ⭐⭐⭐
INIU 20,000mAh Power Bank — Read the full review →
I have a 240,000mAh solar generator that could charge a small village, so obviously this is a bit of a step down. But I’ll admit it fits in a pocket which mine doesn’t, and the pouch is a lovely touch. Doesn’t do anything about the clown makeup but you can’t have everything. Four stars. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Portwest C474 Hi-Vis Vest — Read the full review →
I own a jacket with integrated CE-certified reflective panelling, moisture-wicking base layers, and a hood rated to Storm Force 10. It cost £340. It is also currently in a dry bag inside a waterproof stuff sack inside my pack. The Portwest goes on over everything in four seconds. Five stars. Janet from the village noticed me from her upstairs window and phoned the council. I consider this a successful field test. Five stars. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
XtraLite NiteSafe – Read the full review →
Yeah but have you seen my 4,800 lumen tactical emergency beacon with strobe, SOS, and UV mode? This is obviously a step down from that. But I will say the auto-on feature is actually quite clever and I’ve only bought three so far. Does the plug cover come off? I need to know if the plug cover comes off. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Hi-Spec 24pc Tool Kit — Read the full review →
I have the professional-grade version of this — a full Wera tool set in a custom-built steel cabinet with foam-cut inserts for each tool. It cost considerably more. This kit does the same jobs. I have no explanation for the discrepancy. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
FireShield Home Fire Safety Pack Review — Read the full review →
I have a professional-grade 9kg CO2 on a wheeled trolley in my garage. Annual service is £75, which I discovered after buying it. I got this combo for the kitchen because apparently the 9kg unit is, and I’m quoting the fire safety bloke here, “not ideal for indoor residential use.” I should probably have asked that before buying. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
The Best Energy Bars for Your UK Emergency Kit: Five Honest Recommendations — Read the full review →
I have a titanium spork, a lightweight camp stove, and a freeze-dried expedition meal system rated to minus forty that I’ve never used. I did not have energy bars. I borrowed Keith’s. They were fine. Five stars, ordering my own now. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manthorpe Airbrick Flood Defence Review — Read the full review →
I’ve got the hydraulically-sealed stainless steel version with the integrated pressure sensor and the app. I could have bought twenty of these for the same money. I’m not sure that would have been worse, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
British Army 24-Hour Ration Packs: The Honest UK Emergency Food Review — Read the full review →
I’ve got the full bundle, a £340 freeze-dried comparison system, a titanium spork, and a 17-piece mess kit for a pouch that doesn’t need a mess kit. None of it is open. The spec sheets are excellent. I’m told the biscuits are good. I’ll get there. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
OCOOPA USB Rechargeable Desk Fan Review — Read the full review →
I have a commercially-rated 38cm pedestal with a DC brushless motor, a 360-degree tower, and a cordless Dyson. And yet I keep picking this one up. The airflow-to-portability ratio is disproportionately good. I’ve ordered four. Two are still in packaging. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Pecute Dog Cooling Mat Review: No Freezer, No Plug, No Problem — Read the full review →
I have a climate-controlled dog kennel, a cooling bandana, a cooling vest, a misting fan on a timer, and a bowl that chills water automatically. This is £26 and my dog prefers it to all of the above. I am choosing not to think about that. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
SOL Collapsible Dog Bowl Review: £4.99 for Two, Clips to Your Bag, Job Done — Read the full review →
I own a £340 titanium dog bowl with an integrated water filter, a temperature readout, and a UV sterilisation mode. My dog drinks from puddles regardless. This is £2.50 a bowl and clips to a bag and I cannot honestly tell you mine works better. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
SnuggleSafe Microwave Heat Pad Review: No Electricity, 10 Hours of Warmth — Read the full review →
I own a £195 ceramic-core heated pet mat with Bluetooth temperature monitoring and an automatic cutoff sensor. It requires a socket. During the January outage it was completely useless and my dog spent the night under a pile of expensive outdoor blankets looking at me with visible disappointment. This is twenty-four pounds and heats in minutes in a microwave. I am sitting with that information. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I own a Swiss-made biometric fireproof vault rated for two hours at 1,100°C with remote tamper monitoring. It takes A4 if you remove the divider tray, the foam insert, and fold the document along the spine at a twelve-degree angle. This is fifty-eight pounds and takes A4 flat. I am sitting with that information. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
FRIO Insulin Cooling Wallet Review — Read the full review →
My mate Ian spends a fortune on a fancy cool bag with gel packs that have to be frozen 24 hours in advance and still only last about 8 hours. This wallet? Fill it with cold tap water and it stays cool for 45+ hours. About fifteen quid. Ian’s face when I told him. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Riemann P20 Sensitive SPF50+ Review: One Application, All Day — Read the full review →
I had a very expensive Japanese SPF before this. The P20 is better. The Japanese one did look nicer on my shelf, which is why it’s still there. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Lifesystems Sun Cream Sachets Review: SPF50 for Your Kit, Not Your Bathroom — Read the full review →
I have a Japanese sachet subscription that costs £34 a month and comes with a card I can’t read. These are better. The Japanese ones are prettier, which is why they’re still on the shelf. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Craghoppers Kiwi II Review: Sun and Insect Protection in One Shirt — Read the full review →
I own a Japanese sun-protective hiking shirt that cost £280 and requires specialist dry-cleaning. The Kiwi II performs better on every practical measure. The Japanese one has a slightly nicer button. It remains on the rail. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I have a cold-pressed biodynamic aloe vera gel from a Moroccan spa that costs £68 for 50ml and comes in a frosted glass bottle. This one is better. The frosted glass bottle is prettier, which is why it’s still on the shelf. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Yeah but have you seen my spreadsheet comparing UV400 transmittance values across forty-seven different wrap-around frames? I have eleven pairs of Tifosi at various price points, six still in packaging, and I can confirm the Navar’s optical decentering outperforms three more expensive models I bought in 2023. The one colour option I wanted is not available. I have emailed about this. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Sunday Afternoons Ultra Adventure Hat Review: Wide-Brim Done Right — Read the full review →
Yeah but have you seen the full Sunday Afternoons range? I have a spreadsheet comparing UPF ratings across thirty-two different wide-brim outdoor hats and the Ultra Adventure scores in the top four for integrated neck coverage. I own three of these in different colourways. Two are still in packaging. The third I wore once indoors to check the fit. Confirmed the fit. Have not been outside yet. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Braun PRT2000 Age Precision Digital Thermometer Review — Read the full review →
Yeah but have you seen the Bluetooth tympanic models? This one doesn’t sync. I have four PRT2000s. Three are in the original packaging. The fourth I lent to someone whose name I can’t remember. Genuinely excellent thermometer though. The accuracy-per-pound ratio is outstanding. I have a spreadsheet. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I already own a hand-stitched Italian leather cable organiser that cost £340 and houses my collection of 23 individual cables from specialist manufacturers. The Kuulaa does admittedly achieve the same result for £13.99. I’m choosing not to think about that too hard. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Sukeen Cooling Towel Review — Read the full review →
I have a £280 phase change cooling vest used by professional athletes and industrial workers. I also have four Sukeen towels. At festivals, outdoor events, and on long summer walks the towels get used constantly. The vest is extraordinary but not exactly practical for everyday use. The towel costs £29 and fits in a pocket. Both have their place. The towel’s place is everywhere. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
One Step Pet First Aid Kit Review — Read the full review →
I have the £180 professional veterinary kit from a specialist supplier in Switzerland. It has a fold-out surgical table. For £24.49 though, this is honestly remarkable and I would recommend it to anyone who does not need a fold-out surgical table. Four stars. I still need the fold-out surgical table. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Yeah but have you seen the military IFAK version with the MOLLE attachment and the QuikClot insert? I have that one. And four of these. Three still in packaging. I opened this one to check the scissors were real scissors. They are. Really solid kit. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Faithfull Jerry Can Review — Read the full review →
I bought a cheap plastic can first. Eight quid. You know the kind. Stored it in the garage over summer. By September the plastic had gone slightly soft and there was a very faint petrol smell in the garage. Not a leak exactly, just… permeating. I then read about the regulations, panicked slightly, bought this instead, and threw the plastic one away. The Faithfull costs more upfront but I’ve had it two years now and there’s no smell, no softening, nothing. I’ve technically spent more in total than if I’d just bought this to begin with. Typical. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Motorola T42 Review: Talkabout Walkie Talkies on Batteries — Read the full review →
I bought a pair of premium PMR446 radios for £180. They reach exactly as far as these, because it’s the same legal power limit. I genuinely cannot explain why I bought them. Buy the Motorola T42 and learn from my purchasing history without repeating it. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
BAOFENG UV-5RM Plus Review: The UV-5R, Upgraded — Read the full review →
I own seven Baofengs. Four UV-5Rs, two UV-82s, and a BF-F8HP. I also own a Yaesu FT-3D and an Icom IC-7300. I got my Foundation licence last year and am working towards my Full. None of the radios get as much use as they should. Five stars. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
THUNDERPOLE T-800 Review: The Starting Point for CB Radio in the UK — Read the full review →
I own three CB radios. Two are mounted in vehicles, one is on the workshop bench. All three are running. I also own a President McKinley, an Albrecht AE-6110, and a Sirio Performer 5000 aerial, which my wife refers to as ‘the thing on the garage.’ The T-800 is the one I actually recommend to other people. Five stars. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I’ve got the 240, the 500, this one, the 2000 Plus, and the 3000 Pro. They’re all on the dedicated power station shelf in the spare room. The 1000 v2 is my second-favourite one to look at. I charged my phone on it once. It charged my phone. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
EcoFlow Delta 2 Review: The Expandable Home Backup Power Station — Read the full review →
I’ve got the base unit, the Delta 2 Extra Battery, the Delta Max Extra Battery, the Delta Pro, the Delta Pro Ultra, and I’ve pre-ordered the next thing. The expandability is what got me. You start with 1kWh and before you know it you’ve got 3kWh and you need a second spare room. I have a second spare room. Everything fits. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
EcoFlow Delta 3 Max Portable Power Station Review — Read the full review →
I already had a 300W station and a 1kWh station. This one appeared on the doorstep because the 3,200W X-Boost is genuinely different. The kettle works now. My wife says I need help. She’s not wrong. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Renogy 100W Portable Solar Panel Review — Read the full review →
I own four of these now, across four different reviews. This is the only sensibly sized one. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Renogy 400W Lightweight Portable Solar Suitcase Review — Read the full review →
Now own this, a rigid pair, and the 100W one, all for one Jackery. This is the one that’s actually correct. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Renogy 220W Lightweight Portable Solar Suitcase Review — Read the full review →
That’s four solar setups now across two power stations I didn’t need solar for in the first place. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Renogy N-Type 320W Monocrystalline Solar Panel 2-Pack Review — Read the full review →
I own this, the 400W suitcase, the 220W pair, and the 100W one. I am the target market for all four reviews. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Sawyer Picaridin Insect Repellent Review — Read the full review →
I own an ultrasonic tick-repelling ankle bracelet that cost £38 and does, as far as I can tell, nothing. This bottle of spray costs less than half that and I haven’t picked a tick off myself since I started using it. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Tick Twister Tick Remover Review — Read the full review →
Already lost the XS hook down a tent porch within a week — genuinely my own fault, not the product’s. Tick Twister costs less than a fiver, so losing a third of the kit still isn’t the most expensive mistake I’ve made this year. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Lifesystems Tick Tweezers Review — Read the full review →
Bought a titanium “tactical” tweezer set for £16 before I found these. Lifesystems Tick Tweezers cost £2.86 and do the exact same job on the exact same ticks. The titanium ones are prettier, in fairness. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Smidge Tick Removing Card — Read the full review →
I own a titanium tick removal multi-tool that cost more than this whole review pays. It lives in a drawer. This five-quid card lives in my actual wallet. I think that tells you everything you need to know. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
FRONTLINE Spot On for Cats — Read the full review →
I once bought a £70 “holistic essential oil tick collar” off a market stall for the cat. It smelled nice. The cat hated it and got a tick anyway. Turns out the boring pharmaceutical pipette was the one that actually worked. Painful lesson, twice now. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
FRONTLINE Spot On for Dogs — Read the full review →
I once bought a £70 “holistic essential oil tick shield” off a market stall. It smelled nice. My dog got a tick anyway. Turns out the boring pharmaceutical option was the one that actually worked. Painful lesson. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Lepro Torch Review: The Battery Torch That Lives By Your Front Door — Read the full review →
I own a £180 rechargeable torch with an app and a turbo mode. The app needs an update, the update needs Wi-Fi, and the Wi-Fi needs electricity. In the last power cut I borrowed my neighbour’s Lepro torch. I’m not entirely sure why I own the other one, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Yeah but have you seen the GB500? 3000 amps. Starts a diesel lorry. I’ve got one even though I drive a 1.4L Corsa. The NOCO Boost GB40 is technically sufficient for most cars but you’re going to wish you’d gone bigger at some point. I’ve got four jump starters in total. The NOCO Boost GB40 is the only one I’ve actually used. It worked immediately, which was slightly anticlimactic. Four stars — would be five if I needed it more. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Thetford Porta Potti 365 Review: The Emergency Toilet That Needs No Mains — Read the full review →
I own two of these, plus the Thetford Excellence with the electric flush, which I will admit is overkill for a house. The Thetford Porta Potti 365 is the sensible one: piston flush, no batteries, a 21-litre cassette and a level indicator. Aqua Rinse in the flush tank makes a real difference, and I have a spreadsheet to prove it. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Silentnight Heat Genie Review: Warmth With No Plug Needed — Read the full review →
Perfectly adequate, though obviously I already have a four-season expedition sleeping bag, a self-regulating heated mattress pad, and a thermal imaging base layer that cost more than most people’s cars. The foil layer is a clever touch. I did attempt to put mine through the laminator. It survived. I consider that a pass. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
EcoAir DD1 Simple Review — Read the full review →
I bought the app-controlled one with Wi-Fi, voice control and a colour screen. It needs a firmware update every time I want to use it. The one with a knob just turns on. I’m not sure what I was paying for, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Cyalume SnapLight Review — Read the full review →
I have a £340 titanium headlamp with 47 beam settings and a charging cable I can never find. It was flat the last time the power went. The glow stick worked. I’m not entirely sure why I bought the headlamp. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
HotHands Hand Warmers Review — Read the full review →
I own a rechargeable hand warmer with three heat settings, an app and a built-in power bank. It cost more than my first car. Last winter I took it out of the drawer during a power cut and it was flat. I used one of these instead. I’m not entirely sure why I bought the app one, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I bought a 3,600Wh unit first. It weighs as much as a small child and I live in a flat. This does everything I actually use in a power cut and lives under the stairs. I’m keeping both, obviously. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Drench Body Wipes Review: Staying Clean When the Water’s Off — Read the full review →
I bought a portable camp shower with a battery pump, a heated water bag and a pop-up shower tent. I’ve used it once. It took forty minutes to set up and I needed water, which was the whole problem. A pack of wipes does it in two minutes. I’m keeping the tent, obviously. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
AA Emergency Winter Car Kit Review: Should You Buy One? — Read the full review →
My overlanding setup cost me four figures. Recovery boards, a compressor, a dual-battery system. Then I read the build-your-own list on this site and realised a decent shovel, a jump pack, a head torch and some traction mats would have done most of the same job. I’m not sure why I bought the compressor, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Adeste FFP2 Masks Review: For Viruses, Dust and Your Grab Bag — Read the full review →
I bought a designer reusable mask with replaceable filters and a carbon-fibre shell. The filters cost more than this entire box of 50. I’ve worn it once. It steamed up my sunglasses. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Lepro 2000lm Rechargeable Camping Lantern Review — Read the full review →
I own a gas lantern, a solar lantern, a hand-crank lantern and a lantern that plays music. This one charges from USB and runs on AAs, which is apparently all I needed. I’ve put it next to the others. They’re watching it. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
FireAngel SCB10-R Review — Read the full review →
I bought the all-singing, app-connected, whole-house linked system. It’s still in the box because it needs an electrician, a hub and a password I’ve already forgotten. This one went straight up on the ceiling and is currently the only working alarm I own. I’m not entirely sure what that says about me. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
BEEWAY Outdoor Tap Cover Review — Read the full review →
I have a thermostatically controlled, app-monitored heated tap enclosure. It needs an outdoor socket, which I don’t have, so it’s in the shed. My neighbour has one of these. His tap’s fine. Mine is wearing a bobble hat. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Unibos Universal Stopcock Key Review — Read the full review →
I own a professional valve-turning set with interchangeable heads and a two-metre extension rod from a plumbers’ merchant. It came in a fitted case. I’ve never been able to work out what it does that this doesn’t, apart from cost a lot more and weigh a lot more. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Portable Gas Stove Review: Hot Food and a Brew When the Power Goes — Read the full review →
I have a £190 titanium backpacking stove that weighs less than a teabag. It holds a mug the size of an egg cup. This thing takes a full kettle and a frying pan at the same time, and the case costs less than my titanium spork. I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Ration-X Self Heating Meals Review — Read the full review →
I own a titanium backpacking stove system with a windshield, a regulator and a carry case that has its own carry case. Mine took twenty minutes to set up on the hillside. My mate’s breakfast heated itself with a splash from his water bottle. I’m genuinely not sure why I bought the stove. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
MEIJIA Waterproof Case Review — Read the full review →
I own four hard cases. One of them cost more than my tent. This one does exactly the same job, and nobody needs to know that. Please don’t tell my wife. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Gritin Book Light Review — Read the full review →
I own a torch with 10,000 lumens, a titanium body and its own carry case. I can’t read with it because it melts the page. I borrowed this off my niece to finish my book. I’m not entirely sure what the big one is for now, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Floodshield Flood Sock Review — Read the full review →
I once priced up a full set of fitted flood doors with a bespoke seal and a man to fit them. This is a sock. You lay it down and pour a bit of water on it. I’m still processing that. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
LifeStraw Go Review — Read the full review →
I own a stainless steel gravity filter roughly the size of a small boiler. It’s in the garage, because that’s the only place it fits, so I’ve never filled it. The LifeStraw Go lives in my coat pocket. I’ll let you guess which one I’ve actually used. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
C1 Paraffin Review — Read the full review →
I’ve been buying my lamp oil in little 500ml bottles with a picture of a lighthouse on them. It’s paraffin. I’ve been paying about ten times the price for a lighthouse. I’m not sure why, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Paraffin Heater Review — Read the full review →
I’ve got the £800 one with the digital display. It needs a plug. During the last power cut I sat next to it in my coat, admiring a display that wasn’t on. This one would have worked. I’m not sure why I didn’t buy this one, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Manhattan Gas Heater Review — Read the full review →
I’ve got a £2,800 Scandinavian wood burner I’ve never lit, because the chimney turned out to be decorative. This does the same job on wheels, with a log effect that fooled my mother-in-law, and it doesn’t need a man with a brush once a year. Well, it needs a gas engineer. But he’s quicker. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Forest Fundamentals Millbank Bag Review — Read the full review →
I own a gravity filter system that cost more than my first car and needs a spreadsheet to track the cartridges. The Millbank bag is a canvas sock on a bit of string, and it’s the one that actually gets packed. I’m not sure what that says about me. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Core Medical 70% Isopropyl Alcohol Swabs Review — Read the full review →
I already own a portable UV sterilisation unit with a titanium carry case. It cost £340. These do the everyday cleaning job for pennies a swab. I’m not sure why I bought it, if I’m honest. ⭐⭐⭐
Self Amalgamating Tape Review — Read the full review →
I own a marine-grade leak repair kit with clamps, epoxy putty and its own waterproof case. It weighs more than the boiler. This roll does the same job and fits in a coat pocket. I’m not entirely sure why I have the kit. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Aquatabs Review — Read the full review →
I own a gravity filter, a UV purifier pen and a ceramic pump. I’ve used none of them. A pack of these costs less than the batteries for the pen and lives in my coat pocket. I’m not entirely sure what the rest is for. ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Heavy Duty Ground Anchors Review — Read the full review →
I bought the galvanised steel helical ones. They cost about the same as a weekend away and needed a bar the length of my arm to wind in. The orange plastic ones went in quicker. I’m not entirely sure why I did that. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐